Happy birthday Mom ! Enjoy your birthday in New Orleans and at the Beau Rivage ! Hope you hit the big one ! Wait, you just did. Heh. I promise I won’t tell anyone that you’re 70 your real age.

My mother has been having “issues” the last few months. Random pains, indigestion, nausea, etc. At first, she chalked it up to age and the start of a new exercise class she has joined. As it persisted, she decided to see her doctor, who sent her for an ultrasound, and as of today, a diagnosis of gallstones and a gallbladder that needs to come out NOW. Now as in tomorrow. She called me earlier, all in a tizzy, worried about me taking off work and taking care of her and all of the other random things one worries over when having any type of surgical procedure. I told her to quit worrying. For only the second time in 2.5 years I called in to work, the first being when Gregory was on life support, and told them I needed off.

Lathroscopic outpatient surgery. No big deal, right? I am telling myself and her that she’ll be alright, that we’ll go up there tomorrow, she’ll have the surgery, and we’ll come home and I’ll play nurse for a few days.

I hope it’s that easy. I am a little wary. I try not to be, I try to be positive, but out of the corner of my eye, I almost see him peeking around the corner. Losing my husband,my father and the subsequent actions (or inactions ) of some friends and family members has instilled some alert in my head that screams ONE MORE AND YOU’RE ALL ALONE ! ALONE ! ALONE ! I hate the damn sign in my head, and I still haven’t found the off switch. I also understand my mother is worried, but fretting about life insurance and then hoping that the weather will be nice Sunday “in case you have to bury me that day”  is NOT helpful. Not helpful because it makes it harder for me to disguise my worry.

And you know what I am worried about? Besides the obvious that she might die and I will damn sure be all alone then ?

I’m worried about what I’m going to wear to the hospital.

Yea, that.

I know you are thinking that I am a vain, shallow bitch. Go ahead, it’s ok. I would too.

But it’s not that. It’s something in my grief addled brain that popped into my head while I was getting my clothes ready for tomorrow. And I know why.

I remember exactly what I was wearing when Gregory took his last breath as I held his body, begging him not to leave me. A green sweater and khaki corduroys. I remember exactly what I was wearing when I heard my mother screaming at 0430 am, four days before Christmas, and ran upstairs to find my father, dead in his bed from the fucking cancer. (Excuse the language, but that is cancer’s technical name. Ask anyone who’s had it or lost someone because of it.)  I was wearing a Festivus t-shirt and Hello Kitty pajama bottoms. It’s odd how clearly I remembered these two outfits, in succession, as I reached in my closet for a pair of jeans a few moments ago. Odd that after not having thought about them for awhile, they popped into my head like one of those colorful, annoying Old Navy ads.

I still have those clothes. I don’t know why, I just do. They are folded up together in a plastic bin in the back of my closet. They sit in that bin with the towel my dad was holding when he died, his blanket, and the t-shirt and shorts Gregory had on when they took him to the hospital.

I don’t know why I keep them all. I just know I do. And I don’t want to get rid of them. Not just yet. Maybe never.

I’m sure some psychiatrist would have an absolute field day with me about this one, and yea I know there’s some deep-rooted reason I cling to these things and blah blah blah ….. but right now, I don’t care.

Right now, I just want to pick out some damn clothes that I can wear again, get my mom fixed and come home. And not be left alone.

Again.

I am very conflicted about this week.

I will feel happy, sad, guilty, every emotion you can think of.

In this week, my parents will celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary.

I will turn 40 , and celebrate with friends on the 5 month mark of the death of my beloved.

The dog that Gregory wanted so badly and is such a comfort to me now will be a year old on Saturday.

I’m excited to see my friends, but I’m also mad.

I’m mad that I’m not checking into the all-inclusive resort with Gregory to celebrate my birthday.

I feel guilty about celebrating getting another year older when he will never have another birthday , ever.

I’m jealous of my parent’s having the luck to spend 42 years with the person they love when I will never have that, but so happy and proud of them at the same time. And I feel guilt for the jealousy.

I’m sad because this will probably be the last one they will celebrate before the effing gd s-o-b cancer takes my Daddy away forever.

And I’m scared because I don’t know if I can take losing my husband and my daddy, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to be strong enough to help my mom.

And even though I’m excited and tweeting about #kimberday and all that, deep down?

I’m terrified.

And the one person who could make it all better is never. coming. back.

And I’m mad as hell about it.