I went “back home” for a few days to visit friends in Mississippi and go to New Orleans for the NFC Championship game. I drove around my old home town, visited friends, left flowers at the cemetery, and just reconnected for a few days. Not much has changed in small town Mississippi, and even though I have, my friends there are like family and I always feel like “I’m home” when I get here. It’s a nice feeling to have. Sitting on the corner and looking across at my old house was tough, but I just thought of the memories I’ll always have and it made it a little easier to drive away. From there, I went to New Orleans. I have spent a large chunk of my life in and around that city, and to say that it’s soul and mine are intertwined would be an understatement. So many things I remember….. shopping with my Granny on Canal Street, my Papaw watching me ice skate at Lake Forest Mall, Christmas in The Oaks, Mardi Gras, Jazz Fest, Audubon Zoo, oysters and poboys with my parents at Acme, dinner at Galatoire’s …. My daddy was born there, his family before him, and he and I both spent our youth on it’s streets from the Vieux Carre to the Garden District, Gregory and I renewed our vows and spent so many happy times there…. it’s a beautiful city and so much more than what the tourists see. It fills my heart with joy each time I visit, and also with sadness at what is no longer because of Katrina. But this trip was different for me and the city, because the New Orleans Saints have finally made it to the Super Bowl. WWL’s Jim Henderson summed up the emotion of a city and her daughter’s and sons in this clip……

…and I was there to see it. It was a moment I will never forget, and one that I will cherish forever. In the city I love, surrounded by my close friends, and basking in the feeling of so many that feel the same way. Grown men crying, strangers hugging strangers, screaming so loud until our voices were hoarse, and cries of “Who Dat” filling the streets. It was one of the most emotional moments I think I’ve ever experienced. And it wasn’t just football. It was the city, the memories, the two men that shared those memories in that city with me. I was crying for my team, but I was crying for them. I was crying for my grandparents, my great aunt. All of the people who passed their love of the city onto me. I felt them with me. And it felt good.

Yes, I know what it means to miss New Orleans.

But I also know she lives within me. And I am never alone.

Who Dat.

I’m playing hooky from widow school tonight. Yes, I’m a bad widow. It just wasn’t in me to go sit in a group of people who feel as bad or perhaps worse than me and “hug it out”. Not that we actually do a lot of hugging, I just needed a metaphor for how it makes me feel. I was tired and whiny from two days of retail customer hell and just could not do it. So I stopped by Whole Foods and fixed myself an antipasta tray for dinner, got some warm french bread , flavored olive oil and a bottle of wine. Then I stopped at Best Buy and splurged on David J’s new limited edition box set. By 5 pm I was bathed and in a pair of Greg’s pajamas, sitting in his chair with a 78 pound puppy trying to crawl in my lap, watching my favorite weatherman. This is what I wanted to do. So I did it. Bad widow.

I had a pretty good weekend with my friends, but it was alwaysrighthere waiting. It. Oh and him. Dr. Lecter made an appearance in the pool Saturday afternoon while I was sitting with my friends and they just held me and tried to help. It was only for a few minutes but damn, why did I let him get to me???? Jerk.

I took lots of pics and drank lots of blue waboritas and danced and got lots of sun and laughed a lot and heard how I was missed and caught up on gossip and I actually felt good for awhile (bigtime run on sentence I know get over it! ). And I am glad I went, even though now I have some guilt about it and. But I went, and that’s one way of healing, and guilt is supposedly natural, and normal. It sure does suck though.

But the whole time I felt like I was playing hooky. I had this nagging feeling in my head that I should be sitting at home wearing a black veil and sobbing around an 8×10 and a candle. I don’t know why. I just did. And that is so not me. Drinking 10 or so blue waboritas while sitting in a huge salt water pool with 80′s music and my closest friends is so me…so I let it be me for the weekend. And I hope that being me starts to come without the guilty interest rate. Oh I will never be me again, because that me is gone. She went away on March 20th of this year, never to return.

I kind of have a new me now. Notice she’s not in italics. I am not quite sure where she belongs or where she should go or what she is going to do. I just know she’s here now, and she’s the new Kim. This Kim lives minute by minute, kinda like the old one, but this time with an additional helping of cautious pessimism. I hope a little of the old Kim comes along for the ride, cause wherever she’s playing hooky, I sure do miss her.

I won’t bore yall with alot of pictures…..but here’s the link to my gallery… Girls Hard Rock Weekend 2009…..

…..and lord it’s cold!!!!!

But I like it, it’s nice to actually have seasons. I grew up in Singaporewhere we had two seasons, hot, and hot and raining. We also had monsoonseason , which I don’t think that anything that lasts 6-8 months can beconsidered a season. Unless it’s baseball.

Then I lived in south Mississippi , where we kind of had seasons. It stayed hot from May to November, then semi cool til February, when it was freezeball. Leaves didn’t turn , one day they are green, the next their little brown lifeless forms are littering the yard. Oh , we also had lovebug , crab , crawfish , shrimp, and blueberry season. And football.

Anyway, it’s cool to see the leaves change, and actually feel cold air.

What’s your favorite season?