I cannot bear the sight, thought, sound, smell or even the slightest hint of snot.

Yes, snot. Call it mucus, phlegm, whatever fancy medical term you’d like, but to me it is snot. And yes, I know it’s a perfectly natural body excretion (I just shivered) and has it’s benefits yadda yadda yadda but really?

It is vile and disgusting and honestly probably one of the main reasons I didn’t have kids besides that whole stretching out the hoohah and taking all my fun money thing.

It literally turns my stomach to see a face with caked on snot, someone clearing their throat, blowing their nose or preparing to hack one up. It makes me physically verklempt.

I can barely clean what I lovingly refer to as “eye boogers” from my dog’s eye. I have to wear a rubber glove, have 800 layers of tissue on top of that and as soon as it’s clean immediately power flush the tissue so it’s OUT OF MY HOUSE. Then I scrub up like I’m prepping for surgery. Once, I noticed Beaux had one as he was jumping on the bed, where he promptly wiped his face on the comforter, dislodging it. I know someone got lucky at Goodwill later that week and is probably still enjoying that comforter today.

Lately it seems everyone I come in contact with is snotting it up. Whether it’s the weather or suddenly everyone forgot to take their Claritin I don’t know, but I really wish it would dry up and go away.

People are blowing their damn noses in public. In class, in the grocery store, at the damn table of a restaurant ! I stopped eating the other day because the man at the next table blew his nose not once, not twice, but 3 times while he was dining. And I don’t mean a little discreet “I got a dangler” kind of way, I mean a full on honking, gurgling, snot you could use for caulk way. Obviously his wife is deaf or some sort of savant, because she continued eating. I was unfortunate enough to have ordered the chicken fettucini with cream sauce, and I was about two good bites in when the river began running. Needless to say, I’m glad I filled up on salad and bread.

A few years ago the medical community was trying to tell us not to blow our noses or blow a certain way or whatever. I call bullshit. Kleenex wants you to blow your nose. So does Jesus. Do you really want to disappoint Kleenex and Jesus?

Almost as bad as the public nose blowers are the sniffers. Sniff, I’m gonna pull it back in and recycle it. Sniff sniff SNIIIFFF. Listen, we hear it sliding around in there, just get up, go to the bathroom and blow it out, then jam a cork up your nose or something because I swear to God if you sneeze and blow snot on me I will cut out your slimy, congested heart and feed it to the coyotes.

There, I feel better now.

Gesundheit.

And bless your heart.

Hello Gentle Reader,

I decided that today would just be a bullet post full of brain farts.

It’s Wednesday, you know. The day when minds float serenely to the weekend, when all other problems fall away.

Hump Day Wisdom.

I know you are all riveted.

Love and luck,

Kim

• Who’s freaking brilliant idea was this 366 days of pictures thing? Oh yea. Holy cow it’s HARD WORK y’all. So in the month of February, I’m totally stealing a meme photo guide from Jamie’s Rabbits via Fat Mum Slim  to help my lame ass out. We shall return to crappy Hipstamatic prints of my everyday life in March.

• I am still sticking my foot in my mouth over on Facebook regularly. What the hell, if I’m gonna alienate future employers and romantic interests, I better do it right, huh?
• I always forget to mute the volume on my iMac at night. That way, when the 100 or so spammy e-mails that come in about penile enlargement, airline deals and gold-dipped valentine’s roses come in, at least I wake up to pee.
• I have been in a frenzy of cleaning and purging. Spring cleaning started early around here. There are too many boxes in the closet that need going through and I can’t stand it anymore. Same with clothes. I have way too many.
• I am having hell coming up with a topic for my informative speech for my Speech class. Me with nothing to talk about? Imagine that.
• There are some renovations and additions about to go on around here that have forced me to move things around and half-ass stack/store them out on the deck. It’s making me crazy because they are not in their place. Which is odd considering my laundry room looks like a wildebeest lives in it.
• Big dog has an ear infection. The cost of my vet visit roughly equals round-trip airfare to NYC. I might need to change my major.
• I’m sad that football is over. I’m only looking forward to the Super Bowl because there’s a Manning playing and the commercials. But baseball will be here soon.
• I’ve had my Southwest gift card for a month and still can’t figure out where I want to go. California seems to be in the lead at the moment.