Yea, me too.

I was in such a hurry to get out of here and get to work the other day that I backed into my dad’s truck. In my own driveway.

I simply forgot it was there and just zipped right into it. Oops. CRASH! CRUNCH ! POW !

Normally, I would have been FREAKING OUT AT DEFCON 5.

But I am no longer normal. I am standing on my own two (often unsteady) feet through widowhood, probate hell, losing my father to cancer and taking care of my mother and the two homes/yards between us, and in between all of that managing to work three jobs, take care of these crazy ass dogs and still have a life.

I am SUPER ABNORMAL ! And I like it.

When you look at a dent and a broken window and then compare it to watching the loves of your life die, wondering if you’ll get to keep your house while lawyers diddle around with the estate rightfully left to you and all of the other crap ? It’s not so bad.

It’s just broken glass. It’s just a car.

I have insurance. I have two other cars to drive. I’m lucky.

I’m lucky that I’m super abnormal.

Or else I would be CRAZY !

P.S. Of course, my dad’s truck is just fine. Like a Rock.

Bullet-List example …..

• I overheard a woman in the store bitching about her C-PAP machine and how uncomfortable it was, and she just couldn’t figure out how her breathing could effect her sleep…..while she was buying CIGARETTES. I felt like jamming them up her ass and setting a lighter to her nostrils.
• A woman leaving Target with her small son in 38 degree weather, telling him it was his fault he was cold because he was “Mr. I won’t wear a jacket.” Hey MOM ? MOM = you are the PARENT. Make him wear one. Or do us a favor and don’t breed again. Break even on the gene pool please.
• A woman in front of me who threw a McDonalds cup out the window at a red light, while her two kids watched from the back seat. I got out, picked up the cup, and politely as I could told her to keep her trash to herself when I felt like slapping her dumb ass. Instead I told her I was reporting her to DHR for being an unfit parent. Chew on that with your Big Mac, biatch.
• I spent 15 minutes in Belk at The Summit last night looking at clothes while the sales clerk hung up new stock whilst chatting away on her cell phone. I was looking for something in particular and not once did she acknowledge my presence. I took my purchases downstairs to customer service where I paid and asked them to explain to her what that term means and to tell her to tell Kesha that I hope that rash clears up.
• If you’re still going to write a freaking check at Publix – please for the love of all that is good have your ID in your hand with your check ! Don’t send your child out to the car to get it out of the cup holder while I’m behind you or next time,  I may be using your anus as a corkscrew for that pinot noir I was trying to buy.
• People that cannot make a simple decision without checking in via phone with their significant other for every.single.detail. Who dials for you when you need to see if it’s ok to wipe your ass ?
• The media. Must we blow EVERY single thing that happens across the world into OMG IT’S A TRAGEDY AND WE MUST ALL EMPTY OUR BANK ACCOUNTS? I love a good drama but I usually only like to see Geraldo once or twice a week.
• Methodist’s (or anyone claiming to be a “good christian” ) in self-righteous, lying, money grubbing sheep’s clothing. Yes, I mean you. And the rest of your family. Hypocritical asshats, all of you. But please, keep reading! I have much more to say to you.

So that’s what’s lighting my fuse today. I honestly think it’s a combination of stress, worry, the upcoming death-a-versary and just life in general. Maybe once my two spring breaks arrive and I get a change of scenery I’ll have a change of attitude. Until then, to quote Jack Nicholson in one of my favorite movies evah ,  ”Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”

Not really.

It’s more of a facade fueled by sunshine. I can be strong in the light.

I was very strong in the daylight today. And every day. I laughed, I smiled, I acted like the strong person everyone thinks I am.

But sometimes the darkness creeps in on even the brightest of days.

It’s happening more frequently.

And I don’t have the strength to stop it.

Today, I actually turned the radio on.

Lately I haven’t been listening. Maybe to Rick and Bubba once in awhile. Otherwise, I’m in the rental car with no satellite. So I can’t cushion myself with news and weather and mindless chit-chat like I can in the Dog/Nerd mobile with Satellite.

I actually may hear a song or two. There is one I listen to a million times a day that I may share with yall. Someday. But right now it’s my song. Healing. That’s how I roll.

I think I accidentally left the radio on a country station that replays R&B (RicknBubba)in the afternoon. But when they aren’t on ….music.

Ooops.

And today I heard this.

My life has turned into a music video. One that I have been torturing myself with all day. And half a night.

One that I don’t want to be in.

But I punish myself with it.

Because even though yall Twitter, you FaceBook, you e-mail, you are here for me…. I am still alone. But I appreciate you more than I can express. Because even though you are here, you’re not here.

But you’re with me either way. And I thank each and every one of you for that.

I am going through a hell I never knew existed.

I still miss my best friend , my buddy, my soul mate, and the greatest person in my life. I will never ” get over it.”

There are nights when I can listen to “happy songs” and my heart smiles knowing it is a little bit about us.

But right now, the “not-so-damm-happy” songs are winning.

I need to jerk the damm radio out of my car.