Wake up. Reach over to the other side of the bed. Open your eyes and see the urn. It wasn’t a bad dream.

Mentally check your calendar to see if there is any reason to get up and deal with the world today.

Silently curse the reason there is.

Shower. Brush teeth. Try not to stare at his toothbrush, his razor, his stuff sitting on his sink. Smile at your favorite picture of the two of you wedged in the mirror to check your teeth.

Dress. Try to wear matching shoes and remember to button and zip everything. Maybe even brush hair.

Keys. Where the hell are they ?

Notice the clock. Peel out of driveway at warp speed.

Pick up the phone to call the attorney, bank, probate court, people who want money.

Where the hell is the phone?

Turn around, warp speed home. Silently curse more.

Decide to go to bedroom door instead of through garage for time management. Get to bedroom door. Reach in pocket for key.

Where the hell is the key ?

In the ignition of the car. That’s still running. That you actually remembered to put in park. (this time)

Get key.

Enter.

Get phone.

No missed calls. No one calls anyway. Who call’s for death?

Stand in middle of room because you can’t remember what to do next.

Oh. The world. Right.

Smile at picture again. Kiss urn goodbye, say out loud ” See you later baby ! ”

Get to car.

Locked.

Keys hanging in bedroom door.

Curse LOUDLY.

Get keys. Warp speed out into the world.

Hello world.

Smile. Nod. Smile.

Keep nodding.

Say hello !

I’m fine !

Thanks !

How are you ?

That’s great !

Wow !

Yes !

See you later !

I’ll be ok !

Nod.

Smile.

See a person wearing scrubs from the hospital he died at.

Look away.

Tell yourself don’t think about IT.

Don’t even go there. IT wasn’t your fault.

What if I’d …….

I said stop, didn’t I ?

Smile.

Nod.

Get an overwhelming urge to hide in the bathroom until they force you to come out.

Suppress the urge.

Go into a store. Hear a song he used to sing (off-key) to you.

Leave store like your behind is on fire. Wipe tears.

Say the hell with the day.

Go home.

Get mail.

Look at bills. Read letters addressed to “The Estate Of……”

Laugh and say something about blood and turnips.

Bubble bath. Relax.

Look over at the counter where he’d sit and talk to you while you were in the bubble bath.

Close eyes. Stop thinking about it.

Pajamas.

Hungry.

Oops, didn’t go to the grocery store. Was running low on smiles and nods, couldn’t take it.

Hello Pizza Man.

Talk to the friends that live in your computer and watch happy TV shows where no one dies.

Get back in bed.

Toss and turn.

Can’t get comfortable.

Can’t turn mind off.

What was that creak ?

Who just said my name?

Sleep.

Dream. There he is ! Happy dreams. Mostly.

Til 3 am.

Hello Insomnia !

Milk. Maybe a cookie. Or peanut butter. Or cheese. Possibly both.

Play Words With Friends.

Get sleepy.

Fall asleep.

Wake up. Reach over …….

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I love Calvin and Hobbes. It was/is my favorite comic strip EVAH !! The Far Side was a close second.

The way they are hugging. Like pure love? Bliss ? That’s what we had. Even on our worst of days, it was always there.

Gregory had never heard of C & H. He was more of a Hagar the Horrible, Beetle Bailey person.

Christmas 2006, he asked me what I wanted for present time. I couldn’t really think of anything I needed, but there were lots of things I wanted. Unbeknownst to me he had already bought me a wedding band to match my engagement ring ( we eloped – 10 days before Christmas!!) and a beautiful diamond cross necklace. I told him candles, bath stuff, trivial little things. Nothing that mattered.

And then I remembered that the Calvin and Hobbes collection was out. The ENTIRE history of C & H , in a boxed set. I had seen it at Costco and had to resist it’s lure each time I walked by.

So I mentioned it.

Christmas morning, 2006. Totally shocked me with the diamond band and the necklace. Bath stuff, candles. A pink tool kit of my very own !! With a bag !! *squeee* The first three seasons of The Sopranos on DVD !!

And ……the C&H box set. He wrapped it himself. It was the last present he gave me. It’s so heavy. He got tape stuck on one of the spines. It’s still there.

I began reading them immediately. I would leave it on the counter, the couch, wherever I had been, with a post-it note for a bookmark. I would giggle and smile and snort. I came home once from my POlice-job-from-hell (official title) and he was asleep in his chair with book two in his lap.

I asked him the next morning if he liked it. He said he did, but enjoyed me liking it more. So last night I pulled the books out and started going through them. Some made me laugh, many made me cry. But they all helped my heart.

God bless Bill Watterston. This is my favorite quote from C&H…..

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.

May you all have sweet dreams tonight, and every night to follow.

You too baby. I love you. See you in my dreams.