Oilfield Trash.

It’s a nickname for those that work in the oil business. It’s been around since I was a kid, and I’ve never heard it used in anger or to put down someone. For many in Louisiana, Texas and Mississippi, being called that is an honor. Some of the finest people I have ever known wore that moniker proudly.

Eleven people are still missing and presumed dead after a rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico earlier this week.

Please take a minute and keep them, their families and friends in your thoughts, your prayers, and your way of communicating with your higher power.

Oilfield Trash keeps this country moving.

Oilfield Trash makes it possible for you to go on vacation, to the grocery store, to take your kids to the ball field.

No matter your opinion on offshore drilling, the environment, the politics of oil or politics in general, it all boils down to the working man (and woman).

If you know someone who can wear the title of Oilfield Trash, hug their neck and thank them. They deserve it.

In the haze of pain that comes with losing my father, I often selfishly forget that others lost him too. He was not only a father and a husband, but a friend. A friend that touched lives long before I was even on this earth. I am thankful for the times that I am reminded of that. Today was one of those days. Upon checking the mail, I came across this ……

Inside was a letter from a childhood friend of my father’s. I won’t put her name here in order to respect her privacy, but I will put the text of her letter here, and I think that explains it all…..

February 23, 2010

Dear Kim,

I want to introduce myself to you although we did meet once several years ago when you were living in Poplarville. I knew your father through all of our “growing up” years but somehow life just takes friends in a different direction and we lose touch.

When Billy’s father got out of the service, he joined Louise and Billy at Gaggie’s house in Poplarville. Big Bill, Louise and Billy then moved to Africa. Billy and I lived across the street from each other, started first grade together, and he moved to Africa for a short time and then returned to live with his grandmother because of the school situation in Africa.

So, during those many years we were just such good friends, like boyfriend / girlfriend, and also very close to all the other children in our neighborhood. We did get to the age of dating but then we just returned to being “good friends” and nothing closer. Actually, about the 6th grade, a new, good-looking girl moved to Poplarville, All the boys my age just went bananas over her and your dad even paid a mutual friend $.50 to sit by me at the movie so he could walk down the aisle, look at me sitting by someone else and then announce we were “breaking up!” It was all such an innocent wonderful age and town to grow up in and your dad was very much a good friend and great guy.

During one of those innocent years, about the second grade, Billy gave me the enclosed pin. He said it was an emblem that was on his dad’s uniform while he was in the Navy. You know how you keep things, old jewelry and things that just get “shelved” somewhere, and then suddenly they just appear. During Katrina our house flooded and many items were just boxed away to be looked at later. About four or five months ago I was going through an old jewelry box and other “stuff” we rescued after the storm but did not have time to address. There in the box was the Navy pin Billy had given me 60-something years ago !!! I heard that he was not well and I started trying to find someone who knew where he was living. I asked my sister, who had moved back to Poplarville to find me an address. Intuition should never be ignored but again, I left it up to someone else to find Billy’s address for me instead of actively searching. Within a few weeks, my sister to called to say that Billy had died.

My biggest regret is that we did not get to touch base again and that he did not get to see his dad’s pin. AND, once again, I asked my sister to get your address for me, so I am a little belated in expressing my sympathy to you in the loss of your father. He was a fun, handsome guy and a long-ago great friend!

Forgive my lengthy letter but I wanted to tell you how this pin had made the round through several states, through several hurricanes and now to you.

To her I say thank you, your letter means so very much to me and I am sure to my mother as well. It invoked memories of the town my father and I were both lucky enough to call home, and cemented another precious memory of him in my mind and heart. The pin that you included was shared by my father and grandfather, and will now be mine, and I will treasure it forever. There are no words to express what your simple act of a kindness has meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A year ago today on Oct 16, 2008 is when I found out my dad had cancer. It was the same day my company’s new laptops came out. It’s weird how I associate these two. It also sucks because every time I see one I literally see the words DADDY HAS CANCER flashing across the screen.

His journey with cancer started off as a misdiagnosis of ACID REFLUX ! Way to go Doc. Last summer he had trouble swallowing and would often get what we call the “vurps” and wasn’t feeling too great. The doctor told him to keep taking his Prilosec. Yea. Good call. He then went in for a stress test and numbers were elevated or something so they said HEART ATTACK …and sent him in an ambulance to the local hospital (which doubles as a building full of no useful info whatsoever). Wherein this building they did no MRI / Cat Scan , nothing but an EKG, and OH MY !! No signs of cardiac arrest.

Gregory and I finally talked him into going to see a different doctor, and that’s when they found the esophageal cancer. Stage 3. Invasive. 8 to 18 months with chemo. Today marks a year since I heard those words from my mother, standing in a parking lot where they had come by work to tell me what they didn’t want to tell me over the phone. One year since my father’s eyes hid behind the same brand of sunglasses that we have both had on while we held each other silently, each one of us fighting off the tears harder than the other. So alike, he and I. I am my father’s daughter. One year and my daddy is still alive. Alive, but not well.

I can see where the cancer has taken it’s toll. He has lost and gained weight, he has lost hair. He tires easily. I usually find him in his recliner, either reading or sleeping. A week or so ago I went down to do the fall hedge trimming and other assorted chores that Gregory and I would always help him do. Except this year I did it all myself. My mom helped by doing some raking, but she’s almost 68 years old and can only do so much herself before tiring. She told me after about 30 minutes of work that my dad was inside crying because he couldn’t help his daughter. I don’t think I could have pierced my heart with the gas hedge trimmer I was wielding and made it hurt more than knowing that my daddy was crying. I managed to cover up my sobs with the whine of the trimmer and soaked up the tears on my gloves.

Mom, there’s some things I don’t need to know.

When I found out my dad had cancer, I was stunned. I left work early and went straight home to Gregory , who I told face to face and then we held each other and cried for just a minute until he said “Pops is strong, he will beat this and we have to be strong for him.” He was devastated. He loved my dad and felt closer to him than he did his own, who was abusive to him in so many ways. He once told my dad that he never had a father, and asked him to be the one he never had. Sure, they didn’t always get along, I mean really?? What daddy get’s on with his #1 girl’s man 100% of the time? But oh how G loved my daddy, and I was so happy that finally the two men in my life were on the same page.

I did some grieving of my own, but I try to put on a brave happy face when I am around my dad. I go to his doctor’s appointments, but sometimes he wants me to leave the room when the doctor comes in to talk to us. I understand, he just wants to protect his baby.

So I kept moving through life, working, taking care of my husband and stepson, helping my parents with things that needed doing, and talking to my mom and dad 2-3 times a day and googling and web-md’ing what I could find about esophageal cancer.

And then my Gregory died.

And the little part of my life that the cancer grief had wedged itself into exploded. Then imploded.

I am grieving the death of my husband. My husband was a recovering / non-recovering alcoholic. The contents of a bottle of vodka were too strong for him to resist. A little fall , a black eye , him walking around laughing and goofing with me as usual? That turned into a slow bleed that killed him after he was fine for several days. The doctors call it “talk and die” syndrome. His liver was so messed up his blood wouldn’t clot. Type 2 diabetes didn’t help. So he died. And part of me went with him and I will never, ever be the same.

I am grieving the impending death of my father. There is no cure. There is no hope. The man smoked for 50 years. He got cancer. The cigarettes that he loved are coming back in the form of cancerous cells that are killing him. And I am scared to death to lose my daddy.

But I think I’m scared for me too. I’m scared that I have poured so much of myself into grieving for Gregory that I haven’t given myself the time or space to deal with the fact that my daddy is going to die.

And then it’s just me and my mom. And what is she gonna do? That’s gonna leave me as the strong one. The one who handles things. The one.

I don’t want to be the one.

I want to be Kim.

I want my husband.

I want my daddy.

I want my life back.

I haven’t done anything wrong.

I thought cruel and unusual punishment was against our constitution.

I thought double jeopardy wasn’t allowed.

I want my pardon.

I want my happy ending.