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I cannot bear the sight, thought, sound, smell or even the slightest hint of snot.

Yes, snot. Call it mucus, phlegm, whatever fancy medical term you’d like, but to me it is snot. And yes, I know it’s a perfectly natural body excretion (I just shivered) and has it’s benefits yadda yadda yadda but really?

It is vile and disgusting and honestly probably one of the main reasons I didn’t have kids besides that whole stretching out the hoohah and taking all my fun money thing.

It literally turns my stomach to see a face with caked on snot, someone clearing their throat, blowing their nose or preparing to hack one up. It makes me physically verklempt.

I can barely clean what I lovingly refer to as “eye boogers” from my dog’s eye. I have to wear a rubber glove, have 800 layers of tissue on top of that and as soon as it’s clean immediately power flush the tissue so it’s OUT OF MY HOUSE. Then I scrub up like I’m prepping for surgery. Once, I noticed Beaux had one as he was jumping on the bed, where he promptly wiped his face on the comforter, dislodging it. I know someone got lucky at Goodwill later that week and is probably still enjoying that comforter today.

Lately it seems everyone I come in contact with is snotting it up. Whether it’s the weather or suddenly everyone forgot to take their Claritin I don’t know, but I really wish it would dry up and go away.

People are blowing their damn noses in public. In class, in the grocery store, at the damn table of a restaurant ! I stopped eating the other day because the man at the next table blew his nose not once, not twice, but 3 times while he was dining. And I don’t mean a little discreet “I got a dangler” kind of way, I mean a full on honking, gurgling, snot you could use for caulk way. Obviously his wife is deaf or some sort of savant, because she continued eating. I was unfortunate enough to have ordered the chicken fettucini with cream sauce, and I was about two good bites in when the river began running. Needless to say, I’m glad I filled up on salad and bread.

A few years ago the medical community was trying to tell us not to blow our noses or blow a certain way or whatever. I call bullshit. Kleenex wants you to blow your nose. So does Jesus. Do you really want to disappoint Kleenex and Jesus?

Almost as bad as the public nose blowers are the sniffers. Sniff, I’m gonna pull it back in and recycle it. Sniff sniff SNIIIFFF. Listen, we hear it sliding around in there, just get up, go to the bathroom and blow it out, then jam a cork up your nose or something because I swear to God if you sneeze and blow snot on me I will cut out your slimy, congested heart and feed it to the coyotes.

There, I feel better now.

Gesundheit.

And bless your heart.