Dating Hell, Table for One – January Edition

As I told you a few days ago, gentle reader, I’ve put myself back into the vortex known as “dating hell.” Though I haven’t actually gone on a date yet, I reregistered at several dating sites in hopes that I can find someone tolerable to hang out with once in awhile. I do not have high expectations. My friend Neil has just returned from a trip to New Zealand where he found a “summer love” so amazing that it made even my black heart pitter patter, and I thought that if he could put himself out there to find love again, even for a moment, so could I. Thus far, Neil 1 – Kim 0.

Yet I soldier bravely on. Kind of.  In the last few weeks, I’ve found what I thought were seemingly normal guys and began conversations with them, and they immediately turn into freak shows. When a man’s second question is “can we text?” that is code for “I want to send you a picture of my tiny penis.” And I’m not sure if all of the “text speak” that is employed is because they can’t spell or because they are doing something else with their other hand. *shivers* And what in the hell do dating sites ask you for your preferences for when they match you up with guys who are on the opposite spectrum of what you want? I specifically put an age range of between 38-55, over 6 feet tall, pretty fly for a white guy/businessman type preferably with no kids or ones older than 16 and within 100 miles of me. I’ve been matched with everything from a 5’2 Chinese guy in Texas to a 5’5 bald headed guy with 6 kids under 15 in Pensacola. WTF? And people pay for this shit?

The profiles? This is the kind of guy I attract ….. “A man of many colorful stories, of unique prespectives, dry to drenching in humor, house cluttered and evolving into a gem on the surface of the Earth. The calmness of a magic lake. Sit or dance beside my shore and what new interest to explore. Practicality covered with the poets pen. For a day or a season ,,, share an overflowing cup. Will return Cinderella’s matching slipper. Special lady of the overflowing cup.Amazed, mystified, amplified, and applied. Seldom denied tho many tried. To be tied in bliss with prance continually doth enhance ,,, I can’t miss even when I do. The mold was modified , mendend, and broken. Does a mountain grow or the wind ever cease to blow? Ask me for I will know.”

Pass the Xanax.

My most interesting contacts/flirts or whatever they are called on these dating sites have quite the interesting blend of requirements/wishes/sayings on their profiles. I have not actually spoken to any of them, but it shows you the people who have expressed interest or who have e-mailed you. And the e-mails, OY VEY. Text speak, spelling and grammar atrocities, run on sentences, and propositions.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am in dating hell … would you like a sample?

* “My 5 y.o. daughter must approve your profile pics before we meet.”
* “I can only seriously date after deer and turkey season.”
* “Looking for Miss Right but you can be Miss Right Now.”
* “I just wont to ride”
* “i always try to look on the bright side of things … except auburn footbabll i hate auburn.. hahha.”
* “teddy bear just looking to cuddle and hump”

I ask for Mr. Big, I get Louisiana Elvis …

 

And his scary message…

 

Elvis has left the building, via the BLOCK button.

And then there’s the man who is truly needing a date. But he’s not getting one with me. Bless his heart.

Why do I ALWAYS get the cross dressers? I refuse to date a man who has smoother legs than I do. (I blurred out his poor little dog, I’m sure it’s traumatized enough.)

 

Finally, I end this week with who I can only assume is a distant relative of either Cousin It or Beldar Conehead, complete with a horrific screen name. Yea, I’d hit it. With a stick.

I said I’d give this 6 months. Is it June yet?

Tweet

9 Responses to “Dating Hell, Table for One – January Edition”

Author comments are in a darker gray color for you to easily identify the posts author in the comments

1. Susan says:

   January 24, 2013 at 15:49

   This post is awesome! So glad I found your blog (from Alabama Bloggers FB page).

   Reply
2. Robin says:

   January 24, 2013 at 16:05

   Kim, I so hate this for you, but hearing about all the freaks sure has made me laugh! Oh, and BTW, that cross dresser has REALLY nice legs {jealous}!

   Reply
3. (another)Kim says:

   January 24, 2013 at 16:07

   I am in a pretty foul mood today but this made me laugh out loud. MY GOD. I have been there, and I thought I met some losers before, but this takes the cake. The sweet, sweet SoAlone cake.

   I’m not sure if it’s before or after deer and turkey season, but I’m glad to know that at least one of these guys had some limits. And I hope the title “January Edition” means that you’ll be doing this until June.

   Reply
4. Fran says:

   January 24, 2013 at 16:16

   I think you forgot the last part of Yep. I’d hit it. With a chair.”

   IN THE FACE.

   Reply
5. Kenja says:

   January 24, 2013 at 16:22

   Holy Crap. You totally should be nominated for sainthood just for having to endure those horrid little men.

   I’m so very afraid for the human race.

   I’ve put you on my prayer list, and am asking God for a wonderful Mr. Big who likes to say War Eagle a lot for you.

   If that fails, when I go home this summer to Phenix City, I’ll visit one of the two voodoo priestesses who happen to have shops downtown and ask for a love potion.

   Either way, we should have a suitable candidate for you in the next few months.

   Reply
6. tara says:

   January 24, 2013 at 18:10

   Oh my god those are awful!! Seriously?! Cummmm? Who writes shit like that?

   I hope you find some people that can actually spell and hold a conversation….at this point, decent looking seems like too much to ask

   Reply
7. Karl says:

   January 25, 2013 at 12:30

   You’re really making me want to register on some of these dating sites, so thanks for that. Didn’t we make a pact at one point, that if we’re still both single in 10 years, we’ll get hitched? How long has that been now?

   Reply
8. mel says:

   January 29, 2013 at 22:15

   What a great post! Haha- I love delving into dating again. I remember those days and I had some woozies too,lol

   Reply
9. MickiB says:

   February 8, 2013 at 13:15

   Hey I got a hit from the 5-2 Chinese guy in Texas, too! Good luck to you. I’m sticking with the free sites only because of the entertainment value. I’m hoping to meet my date in the produce aisle while I’m fondling cucumbers.

   Reply