Today was my mid-term exam for American Lit II. I’m fairly certain I did well on the multiple choice, the short answer and the essay questions.

One of the essay questions directed me to list several of Benjamin Franklin’s ideas in his work “Ways to Reduce a Great Empire to a Small One” and then write a satirical essay to show how you could reduce something great to not so great. I had to ponder for a few minutes to decide on a topic, and my morning drive to class provided that inspiration. I often listen to the local talking heads, and that morning they were discussing the Governer’s alleged plan to cut health insurance for kids and put the money towards a pet project of his. That led to my topic ” How To Reduce Alabama’s Economy in 3 Easy Steps.” In it I listed the aforementioned topic and added illegal immigration and gambling as they both seem to be the high-profile hot buttons in this state nowadays.

I wrote my essay from the point of view of a legislator.

This isn’t the verbatim copy of what I wrote, but it’s pretty close. And please, before you get your panties in a wad, this is meant to be SATIRICAL.

 How to Reduce Alabama’s Economy in 3 Easy Steps

1. Heavily Enforce the Anti-Immigration Laws

“My fellow Alabamians, isn’t it about time to take back our state from the Mexicans? Do we really like guacamole that much? These people are working in our state 12-14 hours a day picking crops in 100 degree heat for little money, and all the while there are plenty of our neighbors who need jobs and would be THANKFUL to work all day in the blazing sun! Teenagers would love a summer job, enjoying Mother Nature and learning to appreciate our state’s natural bounty ! And don’t even get me started on that “Press 1 for English” mess ! This is Alabama by gawd, WE SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.

2. Cut children’s healthcare in favor of Governor Bentley’s pet project

“Ladies and gentleman, this is a fabulous idea by our esteemed Governor. These kids nowadays need to toughen up, and learn that germs are good for them and that a cold never killed anyone. We’re raising a bunch of pansies that can’t eat a peanut or get up for school without taking a pill. It will do them all good to learn that life isn’t always fair and sometimes you get sick as a dog. What most of these youngun’s need today is just a few swats from a paddle! What was that Whitney girl singing? Children are our future? Well, you see what happened to her so the hell with that. Toughen up buttercups, it’s about to be a bumpy ride!”

3. Refuse to Allow Gambling or The Lottery (unless you are a “Native American” and share an offshore account with the Attorney General)

“Friends, all this talk about the lottery and bingo just has me befuddled. What’s so darn great about the lottery? Have you seen the people that crowd the lotto stop right across the Georgia line? My driver can barely get me into the parking lot on Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. Is that what y’all want? Crowded gas stations and people from other states flinging their money around will-nilly in our fine state, the heart of Dixie? And what’s all the hubbub about casinos? Why it’s almost impossible to get a room much less a parking space at Biloxi’s Beau Rivage , and all I ever see while I’m there representing you fine folks at conferences are people from across the south and mid-west, crowding the machines, the golf courses and the restaurants with their dirty gambling money. Do YOU want that here? I say a hearty NO to the devil and his legion of cash spewing heathens ! Let them go to Florida with their lack of state income tax and lottery and clean beaches and see what that will do for them! We will keep Alabama just as it has been for centuries, just like we, uh I mean like you fine people like it !”

“To conclude, let me say that we don’t need tacos filled with gold or one-eyed bandits that spew their silver on us like some slick metal Plutus. This is Alabama, we have football. Praise the Lord and Roll Tide Roll. “ 

I better get at least a “B.”