Not Quite Pretty Much Over It
Over the holiday weekend I was feeling pretty good. Damn good, in fact. I’m not sure if it was the return of football, the amazing weather, time with friends, good things at work or just a combination of all of them, but it all came together and bada bing bada boom, it was Kimtastic.
I even tweeted and made it my Facebook status.
My friends were supportive and happy for me, but someone on Facebook, who I also see in real life, said “So I guess you’re pretty much over all that now I guess?”
Uhm, no.
Just because I have a pure moment of happiness and I decide to share it doesn’t mean I’m “pretty much over it.”
I’ll never “be over” my husband dying from a stupid accident anymore than I’ll be over my daddy dying from cancer.
I’m still grieving, still hurting. I just think that I’ve moved into another stage of it, one where I can be happy because I know Gregory would want me to be.
There are still moments when I hear a song or see something that makes me feel his presence so strongly that I can’t do anything but lay down on the floor and cry. Then there are the other times, when things make me smile and laugh because I know how much he would have enjoyed what made me happy too. And I know that both of these things will continue to happen as long as I am still on this earth.
Others who have been down this path have told me many times that days like these would come, and they have. Days when I can’t stop smiling, when my memories are filled with his smile and the sound of his voice. The other days they told me about have come too, the ones where I can’t get out of bed because all I can do is stare at his urn and wonder if I could have changed things, playing the “What if” game with myself. I call it bipolar grief. I never know what side of it I’ll wake to each morning.
I do know that I start my days, good or bad, with him near me. His spirit and love still live inside me, I touch the urn that holds his earthly remains several times a day, and I know that somewhere, he’s smiling at me.
And if that makes me crazy because it makes me happy, someone better call Nurse Ratched.
Cause I’ll be smiling back.
11 Responses to “Not Quite Pretty Much Over It”
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A cajun gulf coast girl trying to wade through widowhood, college and adventures in retail with the help of two terriers, chocolate and lots of wine. Always on the lookout for a little lagniappe.
Check out one of my favorite addictions, Pop Salad!
No words.
Wish I could give you hug, so this will have to do (((HUGS))).
Kim- I found your blog from some posts people did of blogher and the grief pannel. My mom died of cancer on May 20th so I’m familiar with that bipolar grief of which you speak – but likely I have less of the happy days since it’s still so recent – more like happy moments. Anyway I wish I could just strangle the person who made that comment…. clearly they have never lost anyone close to them – or if they did they coped with it in some F’ed up way – because I am convinced that although grief changes you never ever “are pretty much over it”. Grrr… makes my blood boil
GASP. Wow, that was a really unwise thing to say.
Life is a mixed bag of happy, sad, tragic, love, grief. Letting yourself feel one doesn’t erase the other. xo
damn.
and… lots of hugs to you.
You know what? Screw them! You don’t have to justify a moment (a week, month or year) of happiness! I am sad that you felt you had to!
Best always,
Janet
Good for you for finding some happiness. Enjoy all of it! You deserve to smile and laugh through all of this grief. I’m sorry people have a tendency to say stupid sh*t. It gets annoying, doesn’t it?
Glad you could have such moments! One of my employees would share with you in saying War. Eagle. Although his wife would say Roll Tide. I dunno how they get along!
Kim, you are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel — and you KNOW it’s not the train. You have made it through the worst — yes, you’ll have “those times”, but you’ll also have more of the good times.
No one ever “gets over it” —- the scar just becomes a little less tender. It will still hurt, but now it won’t bleed for days.
(((HUGS)))
“pretty much over it” had to have been said by someone who has never had someone they love pass away. fuck. i mean, you can have great days and the great days can string together, but there is never a true “over it” because we will always miss those who meant so much to us. (yes, every once in a while i catch myself picking up the phone to tell mom something and get choked up at the realization that i can’t call her.)
regardless of the insensitive remark, i’m so thankful you had a good weekend. so much love to you.
You can have an amazing day. You deserve an amazing day. a ton of them actually. But that grief always comes back to bite you in the ass. I hate it. and I’m sorry.
I hope you have MANY more amazing, happy days in your future. I think G would want that. You have a gorgeous home BTW! GO SAINTS-they won!!! ((HUGS))