Wondering….
I wonder a lot about the afterlife. I wonder if there is one, or is that urn of Gregory’s ashes sitting in my room, that grave site that bears my father’s name all there is?
Is there a heaven?
If so, do people that go there age ? I mean, do they keep getting older in years but not in body or faculties? Do they look almost like they did when they left us, but older?
When they get there, is everyone they knew and loved really waiting to greet them? What an amazing time that must be.
Do they wait for us ? I so hope they do.
Are they watching us? Do they nod their heads and smile when we do something good, and look down in shame and sorrow when we do something bad ? Do they try and send us a sign ? Can they?
Do they shed the pains and sufferering they dealt with here like the song says ? Cancer, alcoholism, asshattery in general ?
Do they all talk about us ? What we have in store – do they know ? Can they shield us from hurt, heartache? Do they hurt as bad as we do down here?
Do they miss us as much as we miss them ?
I wonder these things, because I want to believe it’s all true.
I want to believe that I’ll see Gregory again, that I’ll hug my daddy and we’ll all sit in some magical swimming pool where the water is always perfect and nothing ever hurts. I want to see family and friends I didn’t get enough time with here on earth. I want to laugh and cry and tell them how very much I love each and every one of them and that I never want to be without them again. I want to see all of my dogs, because I want to believe all dogs go to Heaven. I want to believe I will hug my Granny and my Papaw like I did when I was a little girl.
I want to believe that.
So much.
I’m trying so hard.
24 Responses to “Wondering….”
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A cajun gulf coast girl trying to wade through widowhood, college and adventures in retail with the help of two terriers, chocolate and lots of wine. Always on the lookout for a little lagniappe.
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I have to believe that they are waiting for us. I have to believe that Mark’s up there with the baby we lost, with his mom and brother and that they are watching us. I have no proof, I have no science for it, but I believe it. And no one can tell me different. It would be too desperate a feeling to think that it all ends in a grave or urn. Blech.
I hope so Sherry. Amen on the Blech. I could not fathom either of those places being the end.
Kim , I read what you wrote and it is a really beautiful albeit thought provoking questionnere about life. I have had some of these same thoughts before and wondered if anybody else felt or thought the same way. Anyway , just thought I would let you know that there are others who wonder the same things . Beautiful from the heart writing.
Margaret
Thanks Margaret. I find myself thinking about it more in the last 6 months. It was always fleeting, what with Granny and other relatives deaths, but now it is on the front of my mind. I think because I am grappling with some issues of faith it has become more prevalent.
That’s a beautiful photo.
I hope all of this is true too.
<3
: )
I work with an executive that told me one day about when he “died” on the operating table for six whole minutes.
What he told me gave me chills and gave me peace since I was facing a surgery to remove a “solid mass” on an ovary. (Luckily it was NOT ovarian cancer)
The story is fascinating, but the thing that struck me as most interesting was that he said that all pain and stress is absent, including concerns about those left here. He said he would not have asked to come back.
I struggled with this concept of what they know and what they feel for a long time after my dad passed away, and I couldn’t imagine how they could be a peace knowing how difficult it was for those that remain.
After hearing my boss’ account of his experience, I’m convinced they are at peace because time is a concept of this earth and they know we will all be together “in the blink of an eye”.
I so wish you some peace and I know it will only come on this earth a day at a time.
Rita that is amazing, and very comforting, thank you. : )
I too wonder the same things. We won’t know until we actually get there I guess. But I refuse to believe that if my husband could help me from heaven that he wouldn’t have. It’s been a long, slippery slope with lots of bad decisions. There is a God I believe and I think that all of my family is there with Him. I just don’t think that they can help with the mourning, grieving nor anything else that we go through. Death is a part of life. But in my heart I think no one should have to go through losing a spouse or a child. Truly. We should have gone together.
I read you every time you post, knowing what you are going through. I grieve for you as well. I know how much you are hurting. For I was married 32 years.
Many hugs,
Marie in Minnesota
Thanks so much Marie. 32 years, how wonderful. And thank you for being “here” with me in our journey.
i am so torn by this one. probably because when i think of loved ones watching over me all the time i know they will see me at my way less than potential self. like somehow i am letting them down if they are watching over me all the time.
and also, well, i want my loved ones to all be partying together, enjoying the afterlife. i’d prefer to think that they love me and will be excited to see me when i finally arrive, but until then they are going to enjoy the glory that is heaven.
basically i kinda like to think of them on vacation in fiji or china or something…i can’t talk to them, but i’ll see them again soon.
I think the same thing, afraid I will disappoint them.
But I love the vacation idea. : )
It is not always easy to believe all those things, but I wish and hope that one day we will see those we lost in this life again. I want to see my Dad again, I want my daughter to have a chance to see and know the Grandpa she never got to know in this life.
After two years of investigating haunted locations, I can tell you that there is something after death. I don’t know exactly what, but there is something. I know it. I can feel it.
Gregory still exists. Where or how he is? I can’t tell you. But I know he’s waiting. I just know it.
Heather I have to believe you’re right. : )
I read a really interesting book on heaven, appropriately called “Heaven” a few years ago. It’s buy an author named Randy Alcorn. Now, he’s never been there, but he sure comes up with plausible Bible-based answers. I think you’d find it really interesting and maybe comforting.
Thanks Leigh Ann I’ll have to check that out.
Kim, I encourage you to read anything by Sylvia Browne. She talks about the other side often. Really what she talks about is right in line with what Rita mentioned about her boss’s experience.
Heather I will look into her writing as well, thanks !
@Kim:
Your welcome Kim.
Even more chilling was that my boss told me that along his “ride” to the other side was a “messenger” who was there to explain things to him. He said he well remembers the messenger telling him the most amazing thing.
Steve said he “told” the messenger that he couldn’t wait to tell his wife what the messenger had said.
When he was revived and in the recovery room, he told his wife the message. She was also amazed. They both remember the discussion in the recovery room, but….
neither can remember what the message was.
As he told me, “Rita, all I can tell you is it was something we were are not supposed to know here on this earth.”
Hearing this story from someone else, I would not have believed it, but knowing the man and hearing him tell the story, there is no doubt in my mind he experienced “the other side”, but never reached the final destination.
i wonder the same things. my mom pased away recently, my dad passed away five years ago. he was (is?) older than she was (is?). but he was 68 when he died. she was 71. is my dad 73? or still 68?
gorgeous picture.
I just spent over an hour reading your posts from the last year and I have to say I am amazed at your strength and also the raw truth of your grief.
My mom died of a very similar brain injury in 2004. She suffered a massive stroke out of the blue with no warning and died 2 days later.
Those 2 days were the longest of my entire life.
I had just spoken to her the night before on the phone for over an hour and less than 8 hours later she collapsed.
We will never really know what happened for sure. She lived alone and my sister found her barely breathing approx. 3 hours after the stroke.
Its been almost 6 years. But it feels like just yesterday….and yet, it seems like an eternity ago.
People can say some of the most awful things to a person who is suffering. They say things they think will make us feel better but really the only good thing to say is I’m sorry and tell me how the person I loved more than life itself touched their lives and made it better.
I never knew your Gregory but I wanted to say I am sorry and that his story (and yours) has touched me today.
Well, that’s a tough one Ms. Kim. I’ve been wondering some of the same things myself. Then the non-religious realist self took over today during my morning sob. So I thought to myself, if I can’t use any of my 5 senses to communicate with Stony, then he must really be gone. Then I asked him what he thought about that idea. Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m schizophrenic at this point. So, my answers to your questions is “I don’t know either”.
((HUGS)) Believe what YOU want to believe-it’s a personal choice