Dear Gregory,

My love. My heart. My smile.

It’s been a year today.

I can’t believe it. I don’t want to, but no matter how hard I wish it away, pinch myself, or beg it doesn’t change.

You’re gone.

A year. 365 days. So many minutes, moments , seconds. So many times I picked up the phone to call you and tell you something silly that would make us laugh, to ask you what we needed from the store, to boss you around, remind you to let the boys out, or so many other things that made up our days.

Tim told you once that you were using almost 4000 minutes a month on the phone. We had been seeing each other a few months then. We were burning up those minutes baby.

What I would give for a minute today.

What I would give to see you, to touch you, to feel your arms squeezing me so hard I’d squeak, to bury my head in your chest.

What I would give to argue over something stupid and then hang up on you, proclaiming you an asshole and swearing I would ignore you all day and then picking up on the first ring when you called me right back.

Oh baby, what I would give.

Everything. Just what you gave me.

I miss you every second. Every minute. My mind doesn’t always realize it, but my heart does. With every beat, every breath, my heart aches. I hurt for you. And when my mind and my heart aren’t in sync, they come together when I am missing you.

Remember how I used to cry when I would have to go back to Mississippi, and I didn’t want to leave you ? Remember how when we were finally together I would cry when you left on a business trip and stand in the driveway til your tail lights went over the hill ?

I remember. You’d hug me and rub your scrubby beard on my face and tell me you loved me, and you’d tell me to quit being silly, that you’d be back. You would always tell me to quit crying because you couldn’t stand it, and I’d sniffle and wipe my tears and stop, but when you’d call I’d hear a hitch in your voice and then we’d both start bawling. You’d drive half a day to a meeting and then instead of staying like you used to you would come home – to me. We’d stay on the phone the whole time. We’d take pee breaks, favorite song breaks or just cause we had to breaks.

But we never broke.

People said we were just a fling. Two people getting out of shitty marriages who just liked to have fun and were a flash in the pan. People we thought were our friends tried to tell us that we couldn’t be. The ones that really were stood by us. We found out who our friends were, and we quickly found that our best friends were the ones that loved us as we loved ourselves.

They knew we were right. They knew we’d last.

So did we.

They were right.

As were we.

We showed them didn’t we baby ?

Your smile could light up the world. Your fury and thunder could darken it.

You could infuriate me and make me float on cloud nine with one flash of that smirk you had.

You were no angel Gregory Mann.

But you were no devil.

You are my husband.

And I am your wife.

And today, like all days, I am thankful. I am thankful you were mine. You will always be. Not in our earthly bodies, but in eternity, wherever that may be.

And, as we said, we are ours.

Always.

No matter the years.

I love you, I miss you.

And I thank you for all of the years that we had, and here’s to the ones I hope we have in the next life.

Somos uno mi amor. Para siempre.